The 16-Bit Revenge: Hacking Lazarus and Cashing Out Ethereum

A dimly lit room features three people sitting closely together, wearing dark sunglasses. They are in front of vintage computer monitors emitting a blue glow. The room is cluttered with books and papers lining the shelves and walls, creating a retro, almost dystopian atmosphere. The individuals, centered in the image, appear focused and are facing the monitors. The scene is bathed in a dark, moody ambiance with a slight grainy effect, reminiscent of 1980s or 1990s aesthetics.

Dear Mirko,

I watched your video—very impressive, really. But I must correct you: Lazarus is NOT North Korea’s most successful hacker group. That honor belongs to us.

While our state-sponsored colleagues boast about their high-tech exploits, we—the true elite of digital resistance—have just hacked Lazarus using nothing but old Atari and Amiga computers. (16-bit is more than enough when you know which floppy disk to insert.)

Now, here we sit, surrounded by cryptographic riches, facing the ultimate question: How do you convert $1.4 billion in Ethereum into real money… without raising suspicion? Spoiler: It’s not that easy.

1:10 exchange rate? No chance. Nobody wants to take even a fraction of it.

Why? Because for years, Nigerian businessmen have been trying to transfer the fortune of a wealthy uncle to his rightful heirs.

And the best part? The guys from Nigeria aren’t even scammers. They’re legit—but no one believes them.

Our original plan was to distribute the funds to the North Korean people—after all, in socialism, everything belongs to everyone. But without a way to cash out, we have only one option left: Maybe we should just turn this into a Goldfinger movie? We certainly have the budget.

If you have any bright ideas on how to offload these coins, let us know. And if you happen to know a bank willing to accept "digitally acquired people's capital," we’d appreciate a discreet introduction.

With revolutionary regards,
The 16-Bit Revenge